This past weekend after getting my fill of casseroles and assorted baked goods at my bestie's bridal shower, I packed a suitcase and carpooled with 10 awesome ladies to Tampa for Gaspirilla. The result: unbridled debauchery, and ultimate good times. We packed 5 party people to a car and danced our way to Tampa. We arrived at the hotel for check in and to our dismay learned we had trusted our GPS more than our common sense and were, in fact, at the wrong hotel. A potty break later we were back in the car, satisfied that our hotel was better than that one anyway, seeing as that one smelled like onions and croissants.
We pulled up to the right Hilton and were quickly intrigued by the amount of sunburnt party people with mardi gras beads and Bud Lights. Anxious to put on our party dresses and penis nametags, we unloaded the car and popped a bottle of Arbor Mist Champagne; which was a white trash delight. (The aroma of sparkling wine cooler lingered in our room thereafter).
We hit the town with a cabbie who played Trick Daddy and let us squeeze 10 butts into 6 butt capacity. This lead to an overlap of four butts. Good way to get to know these chicks. After a dinner of croquettes and Jameson gingers, we hit YBOR like a hurricane. Decked out in a veil with shot glasses and a T-shirt with gummy lifesavers dangling about the mid-section that said, "Suck for a Buck", my bestie was ready for some pirate scouting.
First club we walk past has a line and the door guy quickly sweeps us in and waves cover. We're thinking hells yes this night is going to rock! 10 shots of tequila and we hit the dance floor. We dance like maniacs and when man whores try to lurk in and infringe on our girl bubble, Megan A flips them out with her white girl jersey fist pump. (Of course she only pumps for the ugly ones.) We hustle the cute ones for our bachelorette. I mean shoot, its her last chance to get some suckers to buy her a drink! Disparaged by the overwhelming amount of over confident gel heads and thugs, we bounce to the next bar.
PIRATES are everywhere at the next bar! And so are drinks for our bachelorette. The girl was on fire at this spot and must've pulled about twenty bucks from here "suck for a buck" t-shirt. One pirate named Brian (with the crazy eye) is spending WAY to much time with our bride to be and luckily he's outed by a real pirate who yells something like, "He's not even a real pirate. Look at his hat. It be made of foam. Yarg." The MOH and I decide it's okay to just get on stage and make announcements at our leisure. I give a heartfelt shout out to my Megan and the ladies all get a hold of percussive devices strewn about the stage. Next thing we know the bride to be is on stage spanking a pirate and getting a song dedication whilst 10 crazy ladies are dancing and playing tambourines and moroccos... and me and Jennie are yelling, "More Cowbell!!" We leave on a high note and skip our way over to Coyote Ugly for some bar dancing.
The bachelorette's on the bar as fast as she can climb and Christine's right behind her for some partner dancing. Our girl pulls in some more dough for her drink fund and actually gets a little reprimanding from the bouncer for letting someone eat a Life-Saver off her shirt. Apparently they have a rule there that people can't touch the ladies dancing on the bar. (Good rule if you're not wearing a t-shirt covered in gummy delights.) We dance like ass holes to Avril Lavign and assorted raunchy bar classics and we ride out to the next bar.
My tootsies need a break and I see a row of giant Harley's parked on the curb so I ask an old leather daddy if I can sit on his bike and rest my weary feet. He's cool with it so I kick back and relax on the Harley. The bachelorette and I have a full fledged photo shoot which we took very seriously at the time.The pics are priceless.The leather daddy offers to take our crew for a ride but he's three bikes short of a deal. Damn.
We pretty much bust the doors down at the Irish Pub next door and I quickly convince some gentlemen to let us get in on the next game of beer pong. Chrissy pulls through as a first string hero and we beat the guys into submission during round one. Meanwhile the ladies have met a good looking UFC fighter and we've got a gay girl turning straight on us. We must be drunk! For this reason we decide it's a good idea to drink irish car bombs AND red headed sluts. We're one throw into round two of beer pong and I'm turning Puerto Rican with my beer pong psych-out-the-other-team-strategies when the bachelorette yells "RIDE OUT LADIES!!!" And we're off to whatevies is next.
We're walking to the next bar when Megan A. drops her lipgloss and bends down to pick it up. Her control top is busting out of her short dress but it's the liquid pouring from her purse that I'm looking at. We're all confused, WTF was that?! "Oh shit! That's our Bud Lights from the last bar! I was gonna' pull them out when we got to the next place..." Wow.
We're wild'n'out yo.
Things start getting fuzzy right about here...but I know the following happened. The BTB forced Christine to trade her shoes because her whore shoes were killing her, a bouncer stole a Special K Bar from Megan A's purse, Jaime shook her booty on the dance floor, Christine fell off of the bachelorette's lap and onto the street, Chrissy STILL had a rash in the shape of a penis on her chest from her unusual penis nametag allergic reaction, Megan A and I purchased more "purse beers", and lastly I bit a hole in Megan A's tights in retribution of a previos incident which resulted in my tights being ripped.
A little after 3am, we bombarded a taxi van on the corner of 5th and 12th who was conveniently stopped at a red light and therefor could not escape our posse. Against his will, we all piled in the 6 butt capacity seating and Megan A sat on Amy resulting in some backseat discomfort. Meanwhile, our other Megan (the bachelorette) did a roll call on repeat and responded for those not listening. We hopped out of that clown car and into our suites for some rest. The fact that the cleaning staff was laughing at me in the morning leads me to believe we may have made a scene....
Basically, we kept it classy.
*A special shout out to Melissa and Jennie for making this bachelorette party rock!!!*
I'm investing in the beer purse as soon as the cereal phone takes off...
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